In knowing that we are going with more old school, traditional and somewhat romantic (as I like to see it) means of
communication, I’ve decided that the letters going to and from will take time and persistence. They may be slow burners that brew over time, short stories that happen in the blink of an eye or a simple tale of my daily activities! So today I had a thought, and am already writing this in the hopes that I can share this letter or simply that this thought that has been so beautifully articulated into words and a story in my mind, then transferred onto paper for someone (YOU) to read, does In fact get read! I have been meaning to write for some time, traveling the world and having moments of word flow whilst on the top of the Great Wall of China, or whilst watching the sunset in the national parks of Mongolia, it has been a jack waiting to pop out of my box. You have just turned the key that final time and it is now happening! Although I have written a few pieces here and there, some of which I may disclose to you in time…. they sound all too familiar to the conversations we NOW (months after the pieces were written) have. You inspired me to write again, and it was your words and belief that encouraged me to go on the creative path. To really take the leap! To get on my rocket ship and why the hell not try! Somehow you made me feel safe, at home, at ease, and totally ok to be myself. You seem to have a belief in me, one of which this journey is teaching me to find and love, however somehow your belief makes me see it too!! The crazy, serendipitous part being that was the afternoon that “BIG MAGIC” caught my eye, the same afternoon that so many moments came back into my life,that a series of my last dots connected and tiny little signs from the universe confirmed and concluded for me that everything I was seeing and feeling was in fact true, real and that I WAS on the right path! One day, we will look back and know that THAT was the moment where life as I know it changed forever! I love remembering those moments…. because isn’t that what life is all about!
For years I applied so much pressure on myself, high expectations when it came to all walks of life, work, travel,
relationships, becoming “successful” and even simply “growing up”? What ever those definitions may be, I’m sure everyone has their own interpretations and expectations of both concepts. I for one am still figuring mine out. I always find myself thinking and feeling that I was “running out of time” that everything had to happen THEN AND THERE! All NOW! Like a splurge of verbal diarrhoea and my whole insides are empty, with everything given all at once and nothing held back to keep interest for longer. If I wanted something I wouldn’t be patient to see a long term gain, I wouldn’t give a thought a chance to stew but more so just go with it. In some cases this does work in my favour, as I am a DOER and not a thinker, quite clearly as I am now 25 countries deeper and only 18 months later I didn’t do me so badly. However on the other hand the down side being without immediate gratification, or the results I want to see, I change what ever it is or give up. But more worryingly think that this is the attitude of others
towards me. As this is my frame of reference and perspective, it’s hard to imagine that this isn’t where another individual would come from. That if I don’t deliver everything all at once then others would loose interest, change their feelings and faith in me. That I am not worthy, that I, as I am, is not enough. The last 2 years have of course taught me otherwise, and that pursuit is ever on going. Even added in the time from draft to edit, only 3.5
weeks later, I am already in a more progressive, open minded thought process. What a difference time can truly make on the mind. All my writing in the last 3 weeks I see my mind, I trust, believe and LOVE. 18th October – I had spent the last 2 days with my friend San. San used to work with me at Harrys, a cafe I ran for 9 weeks in Bondi. This was at the beginning of my time in Australia, but also almost a year ago, and wow how much this last year has taught me. My last management job before truly recognising I needed a break from management, I needed to let go of the ego and really give my time to Sasha, the inner girl that NEVER got investment because I was too busy being the best in my career and playing big boss lady! But I feel that’s a story for another time. None the less, San takes his time to take me out of the city every time we meet, to the national parks, beautiful beaches, in the green and at one with nature. Chasing the sunsets we spend our time discovering life and resolving each other’s battles and insecurities. He is Hindu, and through his own troubles last year began his religious practices in search for his own sense of peace and spiritually. In other words…. happiness. (Or as my best friend Lucie would say…. on the journey of “Placing ourselves” in the world. Let’s face it, we all want a purpose, for ourselves and for this life.) Through this practice, taking all knowledge from both his practice and my own methods I am slowly identifying that I am wonderful at giving advise but seriously need to take on my own advise and practice what a preach! San really is moving forward and its incredible to be a part of it. Over the last 2 days San has expressed that he envied how easily I speak to people and how people find an instant likeness and comfort in talking to me. 1, because he had never been so comfortable to talk about personal issues with anyone ever before and 2, because he sees the way I can connect to complete strangers and how even the guy serving us some dark chocolate coated ginger in the reject shop (which was disgusting might I add) wanted to chat and connect.
Whilst traveling to our final destination before I was about to head back to Melbourne, I explained to San that you too had expressed my approachability and now with it being brought to my attention, so had others along my trip. I guess the more something is made aware to you, you see the pattern and believe it. With that I guess the more time I spend tuning into me, the more that energy reflects out and others too are also then more inclined to open up to me. The more aware I become of myself, the more aware I become of others. In trying to understand my “special power” and tap into what it is that I do, maybe a skill that could be transferrable to another human so that they too
could connect like this, so that San could learn this gift. I recognised that it was all in the eyes. The window to your soul, the truth and a naked vulnerable YOU. Therefore if this is the way in which you approach another humans, with genuine contact, it is allowing them to come straight back to you in the same way (Or any being for that matter). By aiming to approach every scenario with the truth coming from a place of love and compassion, then that is all you would get back in return. The law of attraction must be ringing bells for you somewhere. The truth always prevails; it is living by this and being faithful to this that I have come to my happiness and where I am today. This is how we must live our lives, with a loyalty to the truth and an acknowledgement to our intuition. The signs will keep coming, your path with keep unfolding as long as you stay true and make the best, most informed decisions by yourself.
We make it to our destination, and whilst walking on the waters edge of the white sand, and crispy cool Pacific waves crashing at my feet, I had a thought. (There really is something about the waves, the tides of Mother Nature, the pull of the moon and energy of the planet) A sexy, curvy, Latino girl came walking towards us down the beach. She was 5 foot 5, about a size 18, hourglass, with olive skin, a few tattoos down her arms and short curly hair with shaved back and sides. She was chatting on the phone, giggling, basking in sun, skin glistening and just looking FABULOUS! I did not judge, but found myself somewhat admiring yet comparing at the same time. Questioning, did I too pull my curves off so well? Do I too look so sexy and comfortable in my own skin? Why wasn’t I tanned? Why had I let
myself get to a point where I didn’t feel so comfortable in my own skin? Was she her natural size, and surely I wasn’t mine at the moment as I felt somewhat out of place. Or was I and just needed to own it! In that moment of course the mere fact that I was comparing straight away triggered my own insecurities and the voice that was heard and acknowledged was then quickly ignored, as still choosing to continue coming from that same place of love and compassion even when talking to myself. I had SEEN her. Her curves, her beauty and thought to myself she is rocking the way she looks and I think she is a true woman. Owning her own skin. (Isn’t the mind a SENSATIONAL thing, that all of this activity can happen in the click of a finger, that aburst of thoughts, feelings and emotions can fire off in all directions in the split of a moment? But then taking that lightning flash in your mind and putting it into a sentence or concept so that you yourself can understand and get your head around it, but then taking that and finding the words to articulate the empty into the full, and doing it in a manner so that the person on the receiving end can even understand? It blows my mind! – I have another story for another day on that topic too. I feel I would gladly spend my time having you pick my brain, and me yours, but I guess, WE HAVE TIME. I hope that we do)
We sat for a moment to enjoy the last rays of sunlight and to read my book, (just over a week in and I’m on the final chapter. Trust me I have never read a book that fast since skiing in Serbia at the age of 12 and reading “Angus, thongs and full frontal snogging!”). 30 minutes pass and we retreat across the beach to come across what looks like a mini/discreet photo shoot. Miss “Sexy Latino Lady” had joined her friend, another woman who earlier had caught my attention and lead my thoughts on another comparative path prior to Miss Latino. This other woman had been creating on the beach, no idea what but just allowing herself to flow and be creative, her pieces had some sort of burning man – esque feel to them, feather, flower and colour collaborations. Another true self goddess, free, her world in her hands, creative being and beauty. I admired her, but equally wanted what she had and that was the freedom to be exactly who she was and comfortable with it. (It’s surely becoming quite apparent the battles that I have and inner demons I face. Yet to silver line that cloud I am totally aware of and am very positively and progressively working on! I very much understand that I too hold all the qualities I see, just sometimes fail to believe.
From draft to edit 3.5 weeks later, and I see all possibilities, the pursuit of tapping into my creative living continues as the journey has now begun!) So, the photo shoot, I’m sure you have completely gathered by now, I fail to tell you that my book was of course my new favourite “BIG MAGIC” creative living book. Which we both know, is another dot in my connections, an additional confirmation to this conclusion and the reason for this very tale. (WOW! 3.5 weeks later and I am revisiting this very story, updating, adding the editing as I go, not because I felt it was time to send it, but because it HAD to come out, in my moments and activities today I HAD to add to it. A 360 degrees conclusion has now looped itself back into my life and formed once again another realisation and magic moment! Our story is an everlasting story. There is no conclusion, no end, no completion only infinity of definition.)
As we approach the goddess’, I understand and accept my thoughts, by practicing what I preach, maintaining my place of love, honesty and vulnerability; To stare but not judge, to connect and transcend my appreciation, I smile. She smiles back. They smile back. In that simple moment where a universal language is shared, life is kind and beautiful, humble and LOVE. This would have been enough for me. This would have satisfied my soul, but the next moment is what makes it shine, this moment now today is what HAS to be shared straight away, because it is this
moment where my dots are connected, the circuit linked from past, present to future and my brightness can bring light to the shadows in this world. Our lives our bound to one another, entrancingly linked to our webs of life. LOVE.LIFE.MAGIC. (I have to say, even just writing that I have had a little moment, maybe that is what LOVE.LIFE.MAGIC could be, our letters…. you suggested it, but I’ve just felt it! All the little magical moments.) What happened next, Sexy Latino Lady opened up, reached out and spoke to me. (Again another moment when I am
never alone, I have so many more stories jumping into my mind! I seriously need to believe in my own magic, and believe in my power.) “Your reading big magic! What an incredible book!” Of course I couldn’t maintain my excitement, someone else has read the book and could truly appreciate its worth, it’s beauty! We exchanged back and forth for her then to tell me about a series of podcasts that Elizabeth Gilbert has gone on to record, interesting
concepts as an extension to the book. I thank her, and we carry on. Back turned to the girls, and heading back up the beach, all I could think about is how much I would of loved you to be there, to see how I am with other people, expanding out of our work surrounding. I appreciate that you see my interaction with people all the time, but outside of a work capacity, traveling, exploring and just BEING is something totally different. Just to whiteness those qualities that you love and see them reflected onto others, there is something about your belief in me. Its your ability to see, identify and love those very qualities that makes me appreciate, see and love them too. Qualities that previously may of been resented by others or simply just overlooked. I now realise however that it is those qualities that make me who I am, it is those qualities that are MY MAGIC. Allowing that thought to resonate with me a little longer, breathing easy, complete and present, the universe then starts to throw tiny little signs as if agreeing with me. So simple as a number 8 (being my lucky and favourite number) being the number of our fish and chip order! It could just be a coincidence, but when one is so in tune, we expand our minds beyond this NOTHINGNESS word! A noun that simply explains a scenario and suggests…. “I can’t be bothered to read into that, I’m going to numb myself from my connections, so I’m going to call it “something” so that is just “IS” and leave it at that.” Not me though! And certainly not in this moment in time!
What I understood was my original thoughts were about you, however I now learn that my thoughts towards others do of course change, but what remains a constant, and an ever-growing education and foundation of knowledge is the acceptance and solace I find in my path, in myself and in my journey. Your presence and insight is a contribution to that journey, it is the thought of you that encourages me to self reflect. Once again in this moment of realisation and mini epiphany, (which seem to come all at once and in waves only with signs from the world that I’m going in the right direction) I look back, and connect all the dots. All the conversations I’ve had, the books I’ve read, the
videos I have watched everything summarises and concludes as if one massive essay of my life and comes out in one huge brain spurt. All sealed with a number 8 to reconfirm that I have in fact understood correctly the signs the universe is trying to send me. Of course I am on the right path and that everything that has crossed me has taught me something in this moment. Because let’s be honest, that’s all an epiphany is, a massive moment of realisation and understanding. Always be true. So today, November 12th, it’s interesting looking back to a story just over 3 weeks ago and now even you can appreciate how much of this we have discussed and explored in that time. It’s
amazing to see how much resonates with both of us. Its wonderful to be able to share that with someone but more so have them get it. There is nothing worse in this world than feeling alone! And nothing better (one of my top 3 things) than when someone totally gets where you are coming from and what you are expressing. The sun is shining, summer is upon us and it is a beautiful day in Melbourne! Waking up with a slight fragility, after another Saturday night finding myself being kicked out of Boiler Maker at 4am. (My work crew really are a bad influence.) I had breakfast with my friend Mattia, he’s Italian, and the sous at work. I really am finding that all Italians I meet do LOVE food! It’s igniting an increasing desire to travel Italy for a prolonged period of time, give up on my digestive system for a small while and indulge in all things “Italia”! Pizza being my first stop! He lives in Bentleigh and in the middle of nowhere, yet the advantage of a car, so he offers me a lift to any potential beach destination spot! Given I have 3 Sunday’s left, I am not going to miss an opportunity to see another location, take advantage of
this sensational weather but more so to get out of the city, be with nature and reconnect! Black rock is my beach destination of choice, Half Moon Bay couldn’t seem like a more perfect name for all of the reasons above. Walking up the beach, waves tickling my toes and crunching elegantly into the sand I am very happy with my choice! I feel at home! In sync, reconnected and as if I have been transcended back to every other moment in life I have had by the
break of the sea. Trigger points sending us back through the filing cabinets in our mind. A black whole of memory through time and space. I find my spot, carefully selected with a slight raise in the sand to create the perfect pillow, good distance from the sea as not to risk the over excited wave that consumes all possessions when you don’t even see it coming and close enough to a group a 3 girls should I need help applying lotion to my hard to reach bits! (Solo sunbathing and beach going is an art I have learnt to master over my travels, I have already given this some thought and have quite a lot to say on the topic.) Assessing my means of entertainment for the afternoon, I weigh up my options. People watch… although another one of my favourite activities, not quite possible when lying down. Music, this is an easy go to and brings ultimate satisfaction, music has the power to meet and exceed all your expectations, given you choose the correct genre for that mood and time, which I’m sure we both know can sometimes be a challenge! Music is the language of the soul. However not going to progress and educate my mind directly which I feel I am in the mood for today! Read, this could be an option…. but is effort. Holding the book up, turning the pages, keeping my glasses on as to see, nobody wants panda eyes. It is in that case inevitable that I would then open the podcast app on my phone… but the question here lays, which podcast? Tony Robbins – Maybe a little too business/intense for a day at the beach (his voice does have a certain pungency to it), Invisibilia – A little too long for the new episodes, Self-development – not quite the inspiration I am currently seeking. Its then that I light bulb goes off in my mind… Of course what a perfect match, it was time and the moment was coming back to me. The Elizabeth Gilbert Podcasts. I open them up only to discover they are called “Magic Lessons”, and episode 1 titled “Do what ignites your soul”. Once again I find myself in a situation where life has come back round, full circle, moments and conversations all moulding into one perfect inevitability and direction. I don’t need to go into detail of how amazing the first 20mins of “Magic Lessons” really were… or how much I can’t wait for you to listen to it, but what I will disclose to you is this. A quote that Elizabeth uses in expressing a need to allow for your creative flow, one of which can relate to so many of our conversations over the last month. The quote is taken Dame Antonia Susan Duffy DBE, known professionally as A.S.Byatt, an English novelist, poet and Booker Prize winner. Her quote is referring to her need, passion and desire to be creative without fear of failure or guilt from it taking her time away from other elements in life. Without dividing our time and energy, compassion and love, we can, without resentment or compromise, continue to be ourselves coming from exactly who we are. I will leave it with you.
“I think of my writing simply in terms of pleasure, it’s the most important thing in my life, making things. Much as I love my husbands and my children, I love them, only because I am the person who MAKES THINGS. I am who I am is the person who has the project of making a thing. And because that person does that all the time, that person is able to love all these other people.”
That’s the beautiful thing, realisations, synchronisations, magic moment collaborations; when they happen, when you get that feeling you can’t help but KNOW it fills every atom of your body and your energy transcends to another force, but when it comes back, full circle, loops in time to conclude, consolidate and confirm that your thoughts and feelings were in fact true, that, I feel…. is DESTINY!